Attainability seems like a simple concept to most guys — just tell the girl you like her, right? But it’s not quite that simple, and it’s very important.

I’ve explained Attainability in past posts like this article on VAC manipulation by Woodhaven. But, I think the best way to understand the concept is to see it in real life examples.

I’ll use posts from Dolly’s blog to illustrate my example. If you don’t follow her blog, she just became enamored with a guy she’s nicknamed “Barman Ben.” In fact she liked him so much that she wrote a short story, with him as the inspiration, and gave him a copy (!).

Suffice to say, at this point Barman Ben has two of the three elements of attraction that he would need if he wanted some type of relationship with Dolly. He has extreme value obviously, and also extreme compliance because she actually went so far as to write a story in his honor.

All he is missing at this point is attainability. Let’s see what happens when Barman Ben leaves Dolly a message:

I checked my phone: three missed calls, all from the same number; one new message.

It was Barman Ben. He left a 1:52 minute message (long, right?). He did have a deep, rather sexy phone voice, but sounded utterly exausted. Without transcribing the whole thing, here’s a general sketch:

“Hi, it’s Barman Ben from Cozy Bar. I can’t talk too long, my voice is pretty shot, and I start rehearsal tomorrow. But I did want to tell you that I thought your story was really, really good, and I think you are very talented. I would have called sooner, but I figured I’d see you in the bar, and then got busy with other things… But I did want to call because I read the story probably the day after you gave it to me, in one sitting, and remembering what I felt reading it, it was just so detailed, I didn’t want to put it down. There’s something really wonderful there. Maybe when I get out of this play and whatever else is going on… I want to make a short film and if you have the time, maybe I could grab one of your short stories, if you have one collecting dust. I’ll let you know about this play when it goes up, if it looks like it’s going to be any good. Anyway, I’ll see you when I do. I’m not going to be around that much. I did want to thank you again for giving me the pages. It was such a nice gift, a rare gift, and you are super-talented, and I’m happy to have gotten to see a bit of your work. Have a good Sunday.”

To save this message, press 9.

And that’s it, just like that, the fantasy is over, my image of Barman Ben irreperably shattered.

It was dreadful to learn that Barman Ben is an… an… (even writing it saddens me, but I must)

AN ACTOR.

I need to pause just to shake my head. I had hoped Barman Ben wouldn’t be such a stereotype, but alas.

At this point, I’d rather get romantically involved with a man in prison than an actor, so even if Barman Ben showed a keen interest in me, I’d never, ever go there. Besides, there were enough hints in the message to express how unavailable he is. Which is fine, because I am not available, either.

Notice at this point: Barman Ben has no attraction from Dolly, his image is “irreperably shattered.”

What has happened? His value and compliance remained the same. But, his attainability was damaged, and that caused him to lose attraction.

Remember, attraction is not an average of all your VAC elements. It is determined by the weakest link — if you have no attainability you have no attraction, even if you have huge amounts of value and compliance.

Because Dolly was so attracted to Barman Ben, her auto-rejection mechanism was rather sensitive. In this case, it was triggered by the mere fact that Barman Ben is an actor, when she’s has relationships go south with other actors in the past. Notice also how she says that “there were enough hints in the message to express how unavailable he is.”

This may look odd to you reading it, because in fact there are no hints that he is unavailable. As a matter of fact, that fact that he left such a ridiculously long message (1:52) is a big indicator of interest. Nobody leaves that long of a message unless they are attracted and are unsure of what to say.

However, Dolly nevertheless interpreted this as disinterest. If Barman Ben had just called with a simple “Hey Dolly…I liked the story. I like you’d, and I’d like to see you sometime,” she would have become much more attracted.

Another night, Dolly went with a friend to the place where Barman Ben works…

I won’t go into how Willow and I ended up at Cozy Bar Saturday night, but we did. We were in high spirits, pleasantly buzzed, and feeling especially charismatic and confident. It was the perfect time to stop by and pay Barman Ben a visit. Especially since I was no longer interested in him.

Ben reiterated what he said in the voicemail, but was even more complimentary in his praise. He enthused what a “terrific story” it was and what a special gift I had given him. He went on to say it reminded him of a short piece by Murakami, that both works had an undercurrent of eroticism and were rich in detail.

“Well, I figured you probably don’t get a lot of people giving you things like stories… or maybe you do.”

He paused, smirked a bit, and looked at me. “Nothing that’s actually any good. Once I started reading your story, I couldn’t put it down until I finished it.”

“That’s really nice to hear. I wrote it pretty quickly, in about a week.”

He would interrupt his cocktail-making to lean in and say more.

“I could tell that. Not from the quality of piece itself, of course, but when you were in here before and I saw you writing, I knew you… had it.”

“Actually, I hadn’t written anything for over a year before that story.” (Probably shouldn’t have said that, but there had been lots of drinking and it took all of my effort just to stay outwardly composed and serene.)

“Well… you’re not rusty. You’re very talented. Is that number I called your home number?”

“It is.” I wonder…

At this point, you would think that it would be obvious that Barman Ben is into Dolly. But, not the case. Sometimes attainability is harder to get than you would think. Nevertheless though, these compliments helped him.

One thing Barman Ben has working against his attainability is that he works at a bar, and that he’s paid to flirt with customers in the form of tips. But check out what happens next:

I thought that would be it, but he kept talking to me. We touched on the play he’s in, various art house movie theaters, and I don’t know what else. It was the most natural I have ever been with Ben, and the longest we’ve ever spoken. It definitely felt like we had some kind of rapport (though exactly what kind has yet to be determined).

Ben waved away my money when I tried to pay for my drink. Willow asked for a soda, and when she tried to pay, he gestured to me and asked,

“Are you with her?”

A nod.

“Then you don’t pay, either.”

I turned back to Willow and I realized that while I was able to be easygoing and witty with Ben, once I was in the company of my friend, my sentences kept trailing off and my mind wandered. Having him so close by was utterly distracting (in the most wonderful way). While I managed to be calm and collected on the surface, inside me was a chaotic mess of pounding heart and fluttery stomach.

Damn it.

Here’s the thing about Cozy Bar. It attracts some pretty decent, friendly, grown-up people. Real prospects. But I can’t look at anyone as long as Ben is behind that bar.

This is an interesting situation: not taking money for a girl’s drinks is usually a ton of negative compliance, and will make her less attracted to you. But in Ben’s situation, it makes Dolly more attracted to him — his compliance is already through the roof, and it helps his attainability, which is his weakest link.

And you can see the effects. From “not being available, either,” Dolly is now “a chaotic mess of pounding heart and fluttery stomach.”

“We’ll get to that. This is my time right now,” he gave me a pointed look, “And I have questions for you, too. I’m going to get my chance to interview you.”

“Well, you have my number,” I said lightly, feeling like I was on a roller coaster that just took a major dip.

When he walked to the other end of the bar, I turned to Willow.

“Did you hear that?”

“I did,” she nodded, eyebrows raised.

“That was a thing, right? That was some kind of moment just now, right?”

“I think so.”

Barman Ben shows more interest, more openly. At this point you would not think that there would be any doubt in Dolly’s mind…but she still only “thinks” that they had a moment.

Now…Barman Ben is busy for a little, and Dolly begins talking to his friend, Magazine Mitch. Check out how the conversation goes:

After a while, this British guy and I started chatting (we’ll call him Magazine Mitch). He was cute and engaging, fun as hell to talk to, but I wasn’t attracted. Turns out he has known Barman Ben for years, since he first started working at Cozy Bar. Not only that, he told me Ben’s last name and a few other inside bits of info, like what kind of music he likes. Then Mitch would move on to flirting with me.

“You and I should hook up.” (I didn’t say he was subtle.)

“I’m actually not dating in 2007.”

“I never said anything about dating.”

I shook my head and laughed.

Later:

“You are pretty damn sexy. Do you know how sexy you are?”

“I have my good and bad days,” I shrugged and launched into the evening’s worst segue:

“What about Ben? He knows he’s attractive, doesn’t he.” It wasn’t a question.

He’s cute and hell, and fun and engaging. Seems like this guy’s got it all. But yet, she’s still not attracted.

Partially, it is because of the massive shadow of Barman Ben which Mitch needs to compete against. But mostly it is because of what I have wrote about before: You can be very good at having social conversations, but very bad at creating sexual attraction.

Mitch’s cocky-funny remarks are entertaining and make Dolly laugh. But, they create ZERO attraction. Despite the fact that he’s cute and social savvy, he comes off as ingenuine and playerish.

Similarly, his blunt, artless compliments don’t help his cause. Rather than increasing his attainability, they actually decrease it and make Dolly less attracted.

Let’s see how the night ends for Dolly:

I know I’m recapping every little interaction and should just give the highlights, but I want to remember every detail, so please bear with me. This next part is important.

In my short story, when my main female character goes to the bar, the bartender always changes the music to Nina Simone for her, because she once told him how much she loves Simone’s voice. It’s one of the subtle ways he shows he cares about her before he’s even fully aware of it himself.

Well, Barman Ben knows I love Favorite Singer. We talked about him before and his name came up again Saturday night, though I don’t think I’ve ever heard a Favorite Singer song played at Cozy Bar.

For the last song, Ben specifically searched for and queued his iPod to a Favorite Singer song. It might have been a coincidence, but I think it was for me. Could have been a gesture, could have been a crumb. I’ll take it.

There were a handful of people who lingered when the lights came on. Ben stood by the back tables and didn’t seem to be in a hurry, so I went over and offered him the pen and paper. It was nice not to have the bar between us (Man alive, he is so tall! And so just-the-right-amount-of-good-looking).

“So are you going to give me that list of movies?”

“I’ll call you and give you the list.”

“Sure you will.”

“I’m serious. I will call you.”

I said good-night and he brought me in for a hug. Brief, but two-armed, full-bodied. Heaven.

To me, there could not be any more clearer indication that Barman Ben is into Dolly. His attainability is helped massively by this gesture, and you can see by Dolly’s description of hugging him as “heaven.”

But, let’s see her thoughts at the end of the night:

I can’t begin to guess what might come next. I dare not hope that he is interested in me romantically, though I could die a happy woman if I only got to kiss him, even once.

I know I should switch off my phone and stay away from Cozy Bar for a while, but that’s not going to happen. I already have standing plans to go back with friends at the end of the week.

Even with all the clear signs that Ben is into her, Dolly still is doubtful. In fact, so doubtful that she thinks she “should” switch off her phone and stay away from Cozy Bar. Even with all the massive signs of interest he gave, Barman Ben’s cause would still be helped if he had more attainability.

So, what should you learn from this story?

1. Attainability is important. If a girl does not believe that you have a genuine, sexual interest in her she will lost attraction for you.

2. Attainability is not just a random compliment or saying “I like you.” Notice that although Magazine Mitch called Dolly “sexy,” it did nothing for his attainability.

Now, calling girls sexy can be great…if you do it at the right time, and in the right way. But there is an art to complimenting a girl and showing her that you are into her — clumsy or playerish compliments can actually hurt your cause.

2. If you have a ton of value and compliance for a girl, it is very important that you recognize your situation. If you doubt yourself and do not, you will be stuck trying to increase your value, when that will only take you backwards in the interaction. You have to be able to see when a girl is way into you like this, so you can focus purely on attainability.

Many guys screw up what should be easy scenarios because of this. Don’t be one of those guys — when a girl is way into you, remember: all you have to do is convey a genuine, sexual interest in her.

Now…I don’t know Dolly, and am only commenting on her blog as I would a field report. But I believe this example should be educational, as Dolly is a very articulate writer and her stories give guys a glance into how a girl’s mind works. I don’t mean to criticize her behavior either — from how she writes on her blog she seems to be a very socially intelligent, confident girl. These attainability issues don’t just affect insecure girls…they affect ALL girls, and all people for that matter.

Dolly, I wish you the best of luck with Barman Ben. Personally, I think that he’s into you and that things will work out just fine with him.

If you’d like to check out more of Dolly’s writings, check out her blog: The Truth About Cocks and Dolls.