How does a woman feel when you don’t make her cum? Evan says it well in this excellent and well-written article from Tynan’s Angels:
We are having sex. We’re naked, in my bed, going at it. You’re on top, and you’re hitting just the right spot. And oh my, OH MY GOD, I’m going to come!
I climax, and roll you off of me as I get up and head to the bathroom. When I get back, I snuggle sweetly against your shoulder and doze lightly in post-orgasmic bliss.
“But baby,” you say, kissing my neck, “I’m not done yet!”
“I am,” I say, and I go back to snoozing.
Sounds uncool, doesn’t it? It is. This scenario would never happen in reality, because I’m probably not going to climax during intercourse, if I did I obviously wouldn’t stop, and because you and I will never have sex. But I know all too well how lame it is to have hot sex called to a halt after many nights spent in the company of boyfriends who didn’t seem to realize that one person having an orgasm doesn’t constitute an end to that night’s festivities. A guy tried to explain to me once, gesturing toward his rapidly shrinking penis, that he was “all out for the night”. You’ve got two hands and a mouth, I told him. This did not go over super well.
I think this is a great way to describe how a woman feels when you don’t satisfy her in bed. Except, most of the time she won’t tell you that anything’s wrong — she’ll just go to sleep quietly frustrated. If this continues in the long term, she’ll begin to resent you. Cheating, lying, neuroticism, etc. frequently ensue.
In this situation, using “two hands and a mouth” is definitely the best short term solution to this problem. It is much better than leaving her unsatisfied.
However, the best long-term solution is to be able to make her cum repeatedly through intercourse alone. This is most definitely a skill that can be learned, and one that will put you far above other men in her book.
Psychologically, intercourse is the most sexually intense act we are capable of. You are inside her, and she is giving her body to you. There is much more Dominance, Emotion, Variety, and Immersion in intercourse than in either oral or foreplay. Because of this, orgasms while having intercourse are much better than foreplay orgasms.
Not only this, but intercourse is also physically better — a hard cock provides better better stimulation than prying digits anytime.
Now don’t get me wrong — foreplay is very important for getting a woman turned on. However, keep in mind that it’s just foreplay — the lead-in to the real thing. When it comes down to it, you have to know how to fuck, or you are not good in bed. Learn how give a woman orgasms through foreplay, certainly…but also learn to to make her cum through intercourse.
Evan’s article continues below…
When I presented my position to a group of male friends over beers this weekend, every one of them laughed. They said of course some guys are incompetent in bed, but they always get girls off. They totally know what they’re doing, and trust them, I can totally ask their girlfriends.
Below are the results of a confidential, very unscientific study I did. The following are the answers of five couples I hang out with regularly who agreed to answer a few questions about their sex lives. They are all heterosexuals, between the ages of 22 and 34, and all are in monogamous relationships, spanning in duration from four months to six years. Two of the couples are married, one couple is not married, but is cohabitating, and two of couples are dating and live separately. I asked each person three questions:
- How many times do you and your partner have sex in an average month?
- How often does your partner achieve orgasm during sex?
- How often do you achieve orgasm during sex?
Couple 1
He says:
- Sex 6-8 times a month
- Always
- Always
She says:
- Sex 5 times a month
- Always
- One out of four times we have sex
Couple 2
He says:
- Sex 15 times a month
- 3 out of 4 times
- Always
She says:
- A lot. 15 times probably.
- Always
- I’ve never had an orgasm with a partner
Couple 3
He says:
- Sex 4 times a month
- I don’t know
- Almost always
She says:
- Sex 5 times a month
- Always
- 3 out of 4 times
Couple 4
He says:
- Sex 10 times a month
- Always
- Always
She says:
- Sex 14 times a month
- Always
- 1 out of 3 times
Couple 5
He says:
- Sex 8 times a month
- I don’t know
- 3 out of 4 times
She says:
- Sex 6-9 times a month
- Always
- Never
Simply put, the couples I talked to agreed on the frequency of their time spent in the sack, but there was major disparity in the number of orgasms the men believed their partners to be having vs the actual number the women reported. As one female friend wrote, “I know when he gets off. The physical proof is left behind. He judges my pleasure based on the noises I make, but I don’t think he has any real clue.†None of my female friends reported being unhappy with their sex lives. All five said they loved their partners and loved having sex with them, but only one of the five said she has regular orgasms with her man. I’m not making any judgments, dearest readers, but I don’t think this phenomenon is limited to just myself and my friends. So the next time you think you’re done, take a quick survey around the bed, and remember that you too have two hands and a mouth. Your consideration will be appreciated.
I’ve also found that this is the case — guys often think that a woman has cum when she hasn’t.
What’s the best way to tell if your woman has had an orgasm? During sex, the most reliable sign is a momentary loss of control on the part of your woman. A buildup followed by a burst of pleasure that totally takes over her body and controls her completely. Everything else can be faked, but this loss of control cannot. It is a subtle difference — she will scream in a more wild and uncontrolled way, and will tense up in a way far beyond the ordinary bounds of her strength. Many (but not all) women will also become extremely wet after an orgasm. After particularly intense orgasms, some girls’ pussies feel (and look) like I’ve came inside them.
Keep in mind also, that the more orgasms a woman has during sex the less distinct they become. After her third or fourth time, she will be in a constantly high state of arousal, so the orgasms will become less distinct and blend into each other. When she reaches a state of being constantly between orgasms and just below orgasmic levels of pleasure, I call this “The Continuously Orgasmic State.” I consider being able to put a woman in this state — which can last up to half an hour — the ultimate level of sexual mastery.
After sex, there is one failproof sign to indicate that your woman has experienced at least on intense orgasm: her legs will quiver and shake with small, involuntary contractions. This is because the muscle spasms she experienced were so intense, that she temporarily loses control of her leg muscles. Her inner thigh is the best place to feel for this — place your hand on it immediately after sex. If you feel that involutary quivering, you’ll know 100% that her orgasms were intense and for real.
Some women also have trouble walking or even standing after sex, and experience weakness and exhaustion. Having an orgasm is a lot of work! Don’t get me wrong though, it’s an amazingly pleasant exhaustion. The afterglow will feel like heaven for her, and she’ll sink into a very peaceful deep sleep. You’ll feel great too — I find that I cum the hardest myself when I have my girl out of control, violently creaming over and over again on my cock.
This is the most useful thing I’ve read in my life. I can now see the difference between fake and real orgasms. She admitted she was faking at least half the times. And I was convinced she was getting it everytime…
It’s like I’ve stripped her of her most intimate secret.
Oh, and for the record, giving a girl an orgasm is quite exhausting. If you’re not training or doing cardio, it is very possible to not have the physical capacity to pump long and hard enough.
Hey Dan!
I love your site and I think you have *amazing* advice for guys. Thanks so much for posting my article. You’re spot on in your assessment of a woman’s orgasm. I’m a euphoric, relaxed mess after a great time in the sack, and can attest to the truth of the ‘weak in the knees’ test. I have one quick question for you:
You often refer to intercourse as ‘the real thing’ and all other sex as ‘foreplay’. I love intercourse with my man as much as the next girl, but as someone who greatly prefers sex with women, I’m intrigued to hear what you think about lesbian sex. The best sex of my life has been with women, and it’s most definitely the real thing. Are queer girls inherently different in their psychology? The similarities among all women’s sexual needs and desires must almost certainly surpass sexual preference (which is why we’re all more similar to one another rather than homosexual men being most like heterosexual women). This is especially compelling for girls like myself who are decidedly bisexual…you’ve written extensively about a woman’s desire to be dominated, but I often prefer to top my partners, both male and female…in that light, do you think that women really desire a cock inside them most of all?
Thoughts? Comments? Your take on this is welcome. Thank you!
Love,
Evan
Way to keep it real for the menfolk!
The blog is insightful. Check mine out, you might like it.
Link trade?
xxoo
sexpert
Charlie Brown–
Thanks bro, and great point about the cardio. I don’t think you need to be in amazing shape, but if you don’t exercise at least a few times a week it can definitely hold you back in bed.
And, your sex drive/testosterone are way improved by training and physical exertion. I’m in the gym six times a week myself, because I love it and because of the testosterone benefits.
Evan–
Thanks — I’m a big fan of your stuff too.
This is a very good question. My primary girl is bi herself, and she’s always greatly preferred intercourse to oral sex and fingering, more so than any other girl I’ve been with. A few other bi girls that I’ve been with also preferred intercourse.
By this, I don’t mean that intercourse was the only thing they cared about. While they all loved foreplay as well, all their super-intense make-the-room-spin orgasms always came from intercourse.
Which of course got me wondering…why do they like sex with women so much?
I asked my girlfriend about this, and she told me “I don’t know…it’s different. The gist of what she told me is that when she’s with women, it’s a very different set of desires than when she’s with men. The same rules don’t apply.
She also acts very differently in bed with girls than she does with me. She takes charge, gets on top, etc. And in the fantasies we share, she likes to dominate girls much more explicitly. But with me and I’d assume with other guys, her behavior is like that of a regular straight girl.
Keep in mind though, that she’s much more straight than gay — out of all her relationships, only one has been with a woman. And the other bi girls I hooked up with were really just experimenting and had never been involved seriously with a woman.
I’ve never been with a girl who was more gay than straight, so it is possible that your psychology and desires are outside of anything I’ve experienced. And it’s also possible that it’s outside of what I’ve experienced, and has nothing to do with you preferring women.
The rules I give in my book and elsewhere apply to the vast majority of women the vast majority of the time, but are not absolute. It is like in pickup — almost all the time, it is a bad idea to approach a woman with “Can I buy you a drink?” But, there is probably a very small percentage of girls out there somewhere that respond well to that approach.
It is like that in bed — almost every girl will prefer to be dominated, but a very small percentage will not. Until you become very good, it is best to follow the rules that apply for most women. When you do become very good; however, you can learn to recognize exceptions and break the rules when you need to.
Thanks for your question — it really made me think.
-Dan
Sexpert–
You’ve been linked.
-Dan
Wow, really usefull. That is… if your a virgin…
They should make something like this for girls. I’m a virgin and even I know that 9 out of 10 girls are a dead lay. You just don’t know how to f*ck. Or how to really do anything else in the sexual department.
Mostly you just think about your own pleasure and how a man can get YOU off. These things go both ways. Not only that, but almost every single one of you is so convinced of they’re “skill” in the sack, that to someone who studies human behaviour it sounds hilariously ridiculous to listen to how you talk about it.
I’ve suggested before to a few girls that they read a little article I found on the internet. This article explains in detail how to give a blowjob, and also explains the many different techniques involved in great detiail. Each of the girls gave me the same reaction.
A proud and offended/ annoyed response, saying things like:
What? I don’t need that.
I already know how to give a blowjob…
No… why would I need something like that?
All this while they had no skill at all.
Just because a man has an orgam, doesn’t mean he’s sattisfied. Orgasms come easy to a man most of the time. It’s just part of our fysiology. Studies have suggested that it has it’s evolutionary roots. Being that it is a safety mechanism with the purpose of making the individual less vulnarable to predators. Very handy during the caveman days.
Ofcourse women like to play it of as them being more complex then men wich is why they’re orgasms are more difficult to achieve. But in truth, the average man is just as complex as any other human being. But ofcourse most of them feel like they need to be emotionless in all aspects fo they’re life. Especially sex. Because “it’s not manly to feel”. But it’s very manly to know how to plow a woman into nirvana without any consideration to your own needs.
Man who come to sites like this and read the above article thinking, “Yes! now I finely know to do a woman the right way! I’m a man again!”, are basically psychlogically castrated by the societal status quo. Terrified by the idea of failing to please a woman. In all they’re frenzy neglecting what THEY are getting out of the sexual relationship (wich isn’t much).
Evan, the reason those men forfeit after one orgasm on they’re part isn’t because they can’t continue, it’s because they don’t want to continue. Your just another boring lay whose purpose isn’t to receive pleasure from, but to silence that biological clock ringing every two hours nagging at him that he needs to “unload”. Combine that with the average skintight wardrobe, cleevage popping meatwagon, and ofcourse he’s going to want to f*ck you. But it won’t be because he likes you so much.
Why else would he want you to leave him alone after he’s “done”. Even if he couldn’t have sex anymore, the least he would do is hold you real close and enjoy the feel of your body. But he won’t because he already got what he wanted and you have nothing else to offer. Period. And you’ll be standing there leaking and stuff, hating him for “not being man” and not pleasing YOU.
Next time, instead of standing there with your hands in your sides, try CONVINCING him to continue. That doesn’t mean yelling at him that he’s selvish and weak or whatever it is you do. Try making it worth his while (good luck with that by the way, you’ll need it).
Lothario…you’ve really gotta get laid bro. Your comment is incredibly bitter — being a virgin is doing real psychological damage to you.
Complaining that women don’t do enough to please you in bed…ESPECIALLY if you’ve never actually had sex and and just speculating.
While many women aren’t your ideal lover right off the bat, if you learn how to blow her mind in bed and learn how to show her what you want, almost any woman can be made into a good sexual partner. Why not learn how to do these things instead of complaining?
The problem isn’t women…it’s YOU. There are lots of men that are having amazing, fulfilling sex with women who care about them and are willing to do anything to please them.
I realize that taking responsibility for your problems like this is a huge blow to the ego, but it’s the only way you’ll ever improve your life. I encourage you to start thinking “What can I change about myself” instead of constantly seeing the negative in others.
-Dan
Well Dan, it seems you completely missed my point. Was to be expected really. The fact that you say you realize that taking responsibility for your problems is a huge blow to the ego, tells me that you had to work hard to get to where you are also.
Wich is good. The problem is that somewhere along the line of reaching succes, you’ve lost touch with what you REALLY wanted when you first started working at this. This isn’t about complaining. This is about waking up from that deep sleep you still interpret as succes.
You want us me teach women? I really don’t think it should be necessary to teach a woman to get of her ass and work for a man as much as we do for them. But it’s cool. You should do what you think is right, and I’m sorry for my rant Mr. Dan.
And Dan… I’ve never been shot before, but I can pretty much contemplate that it wouldn’t be the most pleasant experience. Ya dig?
I don’t dig. I’m going back to that deep sleep I interpret as success — I encourage you to keep commenting, but ease way off the negativity my friend.
-Dan
Awesome post!
That basically answered all my questions.
Lothario, sexual karma is a reality. If you give more, you will receive more.
If you act like a selfish wanker, she will treat you appropriately.
Don’t speculate, experience it for yourself. Dan knows exactly what he’s doing and why. His world is centered on pleasing lots of women who, in turn, please him. It’s just common sense.
You are trying to rationalize why you’re a virgin by convincing yourself that sex sucks anyway and it’s just a “biological clock”. Well it doesn’t. It’s the most fulfilling experience in the world. Good sex, that is…